wtf is up with blogger???

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

I got an autographed picture of Shannyn Sossamon today. Too bad it was signed for "Joanne". I got it as a gift from the ex-gf. I think she got it off ebay. I'm quite fond of Shannyn. I think next week I'll change my name to Joanne.

I have shitloads and shitloads of bad karma. I must have raped cute little bunny rabbits in a previous life or something. I went to the post office to pick up a belated valentines gift from my ex-gf just now and got a $40 parking ticket for parking in a fire route. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's ok. The package was nice though.

Back in highschool I used to take long drives by myself when I needed to do some thinking. I would drive from Mississauga to Niagara Falls and back to Mississauga again. I found that driving late at night with no cars on the road and signs passing by at 100 km/hr was the most peaceful thing in the world. Since highschool I've made very few drives like that. At least drives with the purpose of clearing my mind and thinking things through. Maybe I didn't have the need anymore. Maybe it was the arm and the leg I would have had to pay for gas. I decided a few days ago I'd get back to it and take a long drive south. I decided I needed to clear my head. It doesn't matter where I went but the drive helped. I feel a little better about the occurrences of the past week. I'm not quite at peace with it yet but I've made a step in the right direction.

On my drive, I thought about the past, the present, and the future. How my ex-gf and I struggled to find each other. How we went leaps and bounds to be together. How none of that mattered in the end. And how I'm going to handle future relationships. I'm going to forget about long-term commitments. I'm going into relationships now with no expectations whatsoever. Should I expect her to bathe daily? Sure, but I'm not going to. Expectations are for the birds. Promises too. Promises are definitely for the birds. Even if she promises to beat my ass with a cane, I won't believe it til I see the blood dripping from my cheeks. It's not about bitterness. It's not about pessimism. It's about protecting the one thing that people take for granted so often, their emotions.

You date and date in search of a person who you would want to share your entire life with and when you finally find that person, it doesn't work out. Love has a cruel sense of irony. Why not take the same ironic approach? Expect nothing and maybe love will come knocking on your front door.

For those who have a little more faith than I do, ignore everything I've said above.

It's been a rough 72 hrs. Probably the roughest 72 hrs I've experienced in my entire life. Ever have a really good dream where everything is going just perfect and you're about to reach that happy ending, then you wake up? Like someone pulled the rug out from underneath you. That's what it felt like when it initially happened.

I want to call her and try and understand a little more about why she made the decision she made but I'm afraid the more I know, the more hurt I'll be. For years I questioned whether she was strong enough to handle this relationship and for years she's been the pillar of strength and faith for us. Long distance relationships never work, and we both knew this. But we took the chance because we thought we were soulmates. We thought love like this could span any distance. How completely naive of us.

She was always reassuring me and always standing tall through all our obstacles. So as the years went by, my faith in the relationship grew. My expectations for us grew. Nothing would stand in our way. Then one day it all changed. How does it all fall apart in a heartbeat? I sit and think of the reason she gave me and it really doesn't feel right. There's something missing. And as I sit and think out all the possibilities, I don't know what would be worse, whether she found another person, whether she just fell out of love with me, or a combination of both.

So where do I go from here? Do I move on? Do I sit and ponder why? What did I do wrong? Can we still be friends after all the resentment and bitterness? I need some answers. Someone, anyone.